To say that Monday was a bad day would be a gross understatement. It was a No-Good Very-Bad Murphy's Law kind of day, to be exact. No loss of life or other grand terrors, thank goodness. Just one of those days where if it could go wrong, it did. You know; you've had one of those days too, I bet.
My Murphy's Day actually started over the weekend, so I guess it would be more appropriate to call it my Murphy's Lost Extended Weekend. However you look at it, it's not pretty. Editor's note: It gets a little convoluted here, so I'm reverting to highlight mode. Do not hate my grammar!
Friday: Began antibiotics some 12 hours earlier. Wake up to leg cramps the like of which I've never seen. Crappy weather and three days sitting at a conference lead me to believe it's my old friend, Fibromyalgia. Spend day writhing in pain, finally succumbing to a drug-induced sleep.
Saturday: Cramps continue, accompanied by headache and serious laspe of breeding as I use all seven words you can't say on television in new and creative ways all day long. End day with another drug-induced sleep.
Sunday
8 a.m: Awaken feeling almost human, and decide to work.
Noon: Drive to office.
1 p.m.: Abandon thought an hour later, when cramps return along with a spike in temperature.
3:00: Begin search for thermometer. Battery is dead. Use meat thermometer under arm (yes, scoured before and after) and get reading of 100.6 degrees.
4:45: Call doctor.
5:45: Doctor returns call. Told to cease and desist antibiotic and begin Benadryl and Tylenol regimen. Have Tylenol; search for Benadryl begins. None to be found. Call for help.
6:00: Heroic Friend with Benadryl arrives. I am saved!
8:00: Begin to feel human again. Retire for the evening to sleep. Bear in mind I've had very little to eat all weekend because of pain. Seriously. Like two eggs and coffe in the morning; that's it.
Monday - Murphy's Law Day
7 a.m.: Awake to beginning of this horror story with no coffee. Fasting blood glucose scheduled first thing. Oh, the humanity! Hungry enough to eat an entire roasted pig. Along with the entire food inventory of a Krispy Kreme.
7:30: Head to lab, as chipper as possible under these horrific circumstances.
7:45: Lab staff unable to find the doc's orders they assured me they had when I called on Friday to confirm.
7:50: Return home to retrieve orders.
8:10: Return for said test, by which time every person between the ages of 60 and 100 living within a 500 mile radius of Augusta has descended on the lab to get some sort of bloodwork done.
9:00: Blood sucker -- excuse me, phlebotomist -- says orders aren't specific enough. She is persuaded to proceed and get more information during the two hours remaining in this lovely event.
11:15: Run away! Return home to mainline coffee, consume two eggs and 1/2 avacado. Leave for office to meet a student.
12:50 p.m.: Office. Gossip.
1:45: Student fails to show. Abandon post to provide doc a sample and return for conference call at 3.
2:00: Arrive doc's office, provide sample.
2:15: Realize keys are not in purse. Begin search of entire clinic, much to the consternation of a few clerks and a nurse or two. Will not be deterred in my quest because of other people's hysteria.
2:30: Panic sets in. Keys are not in vehicle and are nowhere to be found. Deduce that another patient must have accidentally picked them up. Frustrated in attempt to get an Amber Alert posted for keys. Realize drastic action is needed. Call aforementioned Heroic Friend with Benadryl who also has vehicle to come and get me. Saved once again! Consider ordering cape for Friend.
3:15: Arrive back on campus, call in to conference call, and no one else is on the call. Much wailing and gnashing of the teeth ensues. Calls to car dealership reveal necessity of towing car to dealership because the key has a chip they have to activate with the car there with them. Lament with Parts Manager that life was much easier when you could just use a clothes hanger. Parts Manager agrees, politely declines offer to bear him children in return for towing services.
3:30: Retrieve spare house key from office drawer and return home using borrowed transportation to search for spare car key, which has been MIA since the move. Realize spare key has somehow escaped and found freedom, is probably sipping tequila on the Island of Spare Keys, very near the Island of Misfit Toys. Retrieve spare key fob, with which I can at least open car doors.
3:45: Return to office, beg Heroic Friend with Benadryl and a Vehicle to give me a lift back to car for one more futile search. Friend agrees, but we must wait until the work day ends.
4:00: Whining ensues.
5:00: Recieve phone message from Kroger Customer Service. Someone has found my car keys! There is great rejoicing! Call this Paragon of Virtue, who says her mom had accidentally picked the keys up in the doc's office and put them in her purse. Just now found them. Agree to meet at doc's office later for return of keys. Leave with Heroic Friend with Benadryl and Vehicle to do errands.
5:45: Abandon Heroic Friend with Benadryl to ride with Student Cheerleader to make rendezvous for keys. Heroic Friend is still Heroic, as she commandeered Cheerleader.
6:15: I am reunited with my keys! Clouds part, angels sing, all is right with the world. Except I've not had enough food post-glucose test and I'm crashing.
6:30: Stop at Target for new antibiotic. Am less then enthusiastic with clerk's chipper greeting.
6:45: Stop at grocery store for sustenance. Become quietly hostile toward store clerk who accidentally voids my purchase and must re-enter everything. She mumbles something about seeking a protective order.
7:15: Arrive home. Consume one large banana, put dinner in the oven, and head upstairs to get cleaned up.
8:00: Eat dinner, spend rest of evening watching last episodes of The Closer and saying good-bye to Brenda Leigh. Glad Murphy does not have a brother. At least not one I've met.
Yet.
My Murphy's Day actually started over the weekend, so I guess it would be more appropriate to call it my Murphy's Lost Extended Weekend. However you look at it, it's not pretty. Editor's note: It gets a little convoluted here, so I'm reverting to highlight mode. Do not hate my grammar!
Friday: Began antibiotics some 12 hours earlier. Wake up to leg cramps the like of which I've never seen. Crappy weather and three days sitting at a conference lead me to believe it's my old friend, Fibromyalgia. Spend day writhing in pain, finally succumbing to a drug-induced sleep.
Saturday: Cramps continue, accompanied by headache and serious laspe of breeding as I use all seven words you can't say on television in new and creative ways all day long. End day with another drug-induced sleep.
Sunday
8 a.m: Awaken feeling almost human, and decide to work.
Noon: Drive to office.
1 p.m.: Abandon thought an hour later, when cramps return along with a spike in temperature.
3:00: Begin search for thermometer. Battery is dead. Use meat thermometer under arm (yes, scoured before and after) and get reading of 100.6 degrees.
4:45: Call doctor.
5:45: Doctor returns call. Told to cease and desist antibiotic and begin Benadryl and Tylenol regimen. Have Tylenol; search for Benadryl begins. None to be found. Call for help.
6:00: Heroic Friend with Benadryl arrives. I am saved!
8:00: Begin to feel human again. Retire for the evening to sleep. Bear in mind I've had very little to eat all weekend because of pain. Seriously. Like two eggs and coffe in the morning; that's it.
Monday - Murphy's Law Day
7 a.m.: Awake to beginning of this horror story with no coffee. Fasting blood glucose scheduled first thing. Oh, the humanity! Hungry enough to eat an entire roasted pig. Along with the entire food inventory of a Krispy Kreme.
7:30: Head to lab, as chipper as possible under these horrific circumstances.
7:45: Lab staff unable to find the doc's orders they assured me they had when I called on Friday to confirm.
7:50: Return home to retrieve orders.
8:10: Return for said test, by which time every person between the ages of 60 and 100 living within a 500 mile radius of Augusta has descended on the lab to get some sort of bloodwork done.
9:00: Blood sucker -- excuse me, phlebotomist -- says orders aren't specific enough. She is persuaded to proceed and get more information during the two hours remaining in this lovely event.
11:15: Run away! Return home to mainline coffee, consume two eggs and 1/2 avacado. Leave for office to meet a student.
12:50 p.m.: Office. Gossip.
1:45: Student fails to show. Abandon post to provide doc a sample and return for conference call at 3.
2:00: Arrive doc's office, provide sample.
2:15: Realize keys are not in purse. Begin search of entire clinic, much to the consternation of a few clerks and a nurse or two. Will not be deterred in my quest because of other people's hysteria.
2:30: Panic sets in. Keys are not in vehicle and are nowhere to be found. Deduce that another patient must have accidentally picked them up. Frustrated in attempt to get an Amber Alert posted for keys. Realize drastic action is needed. Call aforementioned Heroic Friend with Benadryl who also has vehicle to come and get me. Saved once again! Consider ordering cape for Friend.
3:15: Arrive back on campus, call in to conference call, and no one else is on the call. Much wailing and gnashing of the teeth ensues. Calls to car dealership reveal necessity of towing car to dealership because the key has a chip they have to activate with the car there with them. Lament with Parts Manager that life was much easier when you could just use a clothes hanger. Parts Manager agrees, politely declines offer to bear him children in return for towing services.
3:30: Retrieve spare house key from office drawer and return home using borrowed transportation to search for spare car key, which has been MIA since the move. Realize spare key has somehow escaped and found freedom, is probably sipping tequila on the Island of Spare Keys, very near the Island of Misfit Toys. Retrieve spare key fob, with which I can at least open car doors.
3:45: Return to office, beg Heroic Friend with Benadryl and a Vehicle to give me a lift back to car for one more futile search. Friend agrees, but we must wait until the work day ends.
4:00: Whining ensues.
5:00: Recieve phone message from Kroger Customer Service. Someone has found my car keys! There is great rejoicing! Call this Paragon of Virtue, who says her mom had accidentally picked the keys up in the doc's office and put them in her purse. Just now found them. Agree to meet at doc's office later for return of keys. Leave with Heroic Friend with Benadryl and Vehicle to do errands.
5:45: Abandon Heroic Friend with Benadryl to ride with Student Cheerleader to make rendezvous for keys. Heroic Friend is still Heroic, as she commandeered Cheerleader.
6:15: I am reunited with my keys! Clouds part, angels sing, all is right with the world. Except I've not had enough food post-glucose test and I'm crashing.
6:30: Stop at Target for new antibiotic. Am less then enthusiastic with clerk's chipper greeting.
6:45: Stop at grocery store for sustenance. Become quietly hostile toward store clerk who accidentally voids my purchase and must re-enter everything. She mumbles something about seeking a protective order.
7:15: Arrive home. Consume one large banana, put dinner in the oven, and head upstairs to get cleaned up.
8:00: Eat dinner, spend rest of evening watching last episodes of The Closer and saying good-bye to Brenda Leigh. Glad Murphy does not have a brother. At least not one I've met.
Yet.
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